There’s nothing like being asked- nearly from the time you can say your full name-this question:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Not gonna lie, it’s an exciting question as a 5 year old. The lists’ are endless, and all the time in the world to decide.
As a 17, 18 or 19 year old…. not so much. Somehow you have absolutely zero time left- the Universities need an answer. Careers go around and around in my head of which one makes me the most money, and one I want to work the rest of my life. Really? Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me.
Sometimes we just try and make those around us happy and follow a path suggested. I started looking at this question I had been asked for so many years before differently. Asking myself this time, “Who do I want to be?” “How can I use what I am going through in this moment to better myself, for myself?”
If I focus on nurturing and transforming flawed characteristics and relationships I see in my life, I know I won’t regret that. Now a major, maybe. Maybe a few times, to be determined. Cross your fingers on that. At the end of my life, what my major was in college will not be something talked about. Who I am, and how I made those around me feel is going to be one of, if not the only thing talked about.
I’d always tried to be the opposite of “selfish”, completely avoid it. But honestly, the times I took to be selfish are the times I grew the most. Pretty soon, your battery will hit zero if you don’t take dedicated time to recharge and refocus. Time spent reflecting not only helps keep a level head in the midst of some situations that make you feel like you’re running around with you head cut off, but practices positivity.
You could be in one of the darkest seasons, but that tiny ity bity star seems to scream so beautifully loud. This doesn’t take away from what you’re going through, but makes it seem somehow safer in a way. You hold this little light you can use to mock the darkness trying to capture you. With this little light, all your worries seem to take a backseat. The most important things come in clear focus, as well as the imperfections.
This life is full of imperfections, darkness, and negativity. On the other hand, why would I ever allow those three words to have power? Each time, the darkness allowed me to see the light. The imperfections opened up a version deep within myself and who I really want to be.
The question of “What I literally want to be” changes and will probably change even when I do have a solid career. Things like that are inevitable but at the end of the day, who I am will be solid. Some days it seems I am taking two steps back, but only later do I truly see where those two steps actually were taking me.
It’s hard to say who I will be next week or next year, but I have an idea. No matter what, I will be who I am, for me. She deserves it.